QUOTE
Anything that’s human is mentionable, and anything that’s mentionable can be more manageable. When we talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting, and less scary. The people we trust with that important talk can help us know that we are not alone.
- Fred Rogers
STRATEGY
I was preparing a presentation a few weeks ago (via Zoom of course!) and was trying to come up with an illustration of how I felt given the circumstances we’re experiencing due to the coronavirus. As I stared off into space my daughters Christmas snow globe caught by eye. (Yes, it’s April and we still have a few Christmas remnants floating around. Such is life with a toddler!).
That’s when it hit me. My life felt like a shaken-up snow globe.
In the first week to 10 days of all this my life snow globe that had been given a pretty violent shake. Not only was the snow swirling all around making it hard to see clearly, all the parts that are usually firmly attached were also flying around causing me to have moments of total fear and panic. Everything felt out of my control. Then, about two weeks in the snow settled a bit inside my snow globe and I could start seeing things more clearly. The parts were back on the ground, only difference was they were strewn all over, laying on their sides, upside down, some in need of repair. In weeks three and four I’ve been able to start putting some of the pieces back together. But for the most part, things are in different places. Maybe only temporarily, maybe forever. It’s hard to tell.
When things seem particularly challenging and the future is unknown (i.e. our snow globe is shaken up) it’s easy to focus on all the bad things we’re experiencing.
This psychological phenomenon is called negativity bias. Negativity bias means that we not only register negative stimuli more readily, but we also tend to dwell on those events. This explains why a negative first impression can be so hard to get over, why we remember traumatic events better than positive ones, and why we think about negative experiences more frequently than positive ones.
Right now not being able to see friends, family, and co-workers, our kids not going to school (and teaching them at home!), and not being able to enjoy restaurants or social events are just a few things that can really get us down during the pandemic.
Focusing on the negative doesn’t mean there is something wrong with us. Researchers believe that is likely a result of evolution. The tendency to focus on bad things was originally necessary to help us survive threats and dangers. Now, we’re being asked to stay at home, wash our hands, and wear masks to survive. So, it’s only part of our natural instinct to focus on the threat to keep us safe.
However, if we get stuck in this negativity loop it can have a serious effect on our mental health, stress levels, and anxiety. It can also have an effect on our relationships and work. Not good! Right now we need to do everything we can to remain positive and optimistic, while also being realistic.
Here are three ways you can kick the negativity to the curb, even just a little bit:
1. Mention the Unmentionable: Let’s go back to the quote for today’s article from Fred Rogers (if you haven’t read it, scroll back to the top. I’ll wait). The short version is, “if it’s mentionable, it’s manageable.” We’re all feeling loads of different emotions right now all of which need to be talked about. When we talk about our fears, anxieties, and worries we can manage them better. And, we quickly find that we are not as alone in our struggles as we may think. Pick up the phone, ask someone how they’re doing, be honest when someone asks you how you’re doing. When we mention our feelings to each other we can manage them together.
2. Positive Affirmation: There are tons of positive affirmations you can tell yourself to lift your mood. I’ve always had a hard time sticking to one without it feeling a bit weird. On a recent podcast I heard the guest say that he starts every day by telling himself, “Today is going to be a good day!” Under the circumstances I think this one is spot on and I’ve adopted it for myself. And, I’m pretty sure I’ll hang on to it post-pandemic. (Because, yes, that time will come, eventually).
3. Positive Evidence: If you start your day with the positive affirmation in #1 then you can get bonus points for ending your day by finding evidence. What I mean is mentally recapping your day and identifying three good things. These don’t have to be huge momentous wins like teaching your kid algebra in one afternoon. This is not the place to add pressure and be an overachiever. Think about small, important moments or achievements like the delicious lunch you made for yourself or enjoying 15 minutes out in the sun with your kids. You can do this while brushing your teeth or while lying in bed. If you want you could even write them down in a “Positive Pandemic Journal!”
There are many more ways you can combat negative bias. But, I hope these three give you a jump start.
Now, I want to hear from you! Have you found new or creative ways to remain positive during this uncertain time? Please comment below and share what has worked for you!
RESOURCES
Reasons to Be Cheerful website
Reasons to be Cheerful is a non-profit editorial project that is tonic for tumultuous times. The site describes themselves as “part magazine, part therapy session, part blueprint for a better world.”
How to Overcome Your Brain’s Fixation on Bad Things. Greater Good Magazine, January 13, 2020
An interview with social psychologist Roy Baumeister and New York Times writer John Tierny, co-authors of The Power of Bad: How the Negativity Effect Rules Us and How We Can Rule It. If we know that “bad” is stronger than “good,” the authors argue, we can use that knowledge to improve not only our own lives, but society at large.
Brené Brown Unlocking Us podcast, Brené on FFTs, March 20, 2020
Bestselling author and researcher, Dr. Brené Brown shares her strategy on how to handle first times, which she calls FFTs, an acronym for “f***ing first times. Because in her words, “I think it’s safe to say this pandemic is a collective FFT.” Her insights and wisdom always leave me feeling heard, understood, and ready to tackle what’s next.